Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
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