Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
