I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
