Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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