It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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