Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
