a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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