After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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