How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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