i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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