I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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