facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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