hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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