god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
