woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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