So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
