You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
