listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
