We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
