Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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