There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
