You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
