They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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