I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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