My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
