I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
