So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
