i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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