I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
