I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
