You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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