I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
