I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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