we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
