i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
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Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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