I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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