she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
