dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
a search helicopter?!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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