the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
