this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
