Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
