Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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