Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
