I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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