I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
