Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
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We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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