This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
