1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
