I'll bet she douches with gravy.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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