apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
