If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
