I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
