Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
