The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
