Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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