I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
barbara walters just said penis...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
