Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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