I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
