Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
